Old School Grandma Vs. Special Needs Child

My mother grew up in a time when children were seen and not heard. You listened or you got the switch. I’m not sure if my mom ever received a spanking because she was protected as the only female in the house with her two uncles, her father and her grandfather. Her grandfather was the law in the family and she was his baby. Still, it was a time when beating and chastising children was the acceptable way. I mean it still is in a lot houses. I regularly hear people talk about beating children and comment in such a way as to indicate delight in the task! “Whoop that a**!” I was like that too. I’m not going to lie, before I became a parent to a special needs child I would have weighed in that very same category. I can remember many times either saying it in my head or audibly that a child needed a good whooping if I witnessed bad behavior. Did I get beat? Yes. My three siblings and I did in fact get beatings and a full torturous lecture about how we could do this the hard way or the easy way prior to the beatdown. We didn’t die. We actually turned out just fine. Well, just fine, sorta. I say that because we all picked up the beating behavior. It’s a thing. A thing that needs to be changed.

I have the picture of my mom holding my sweet boy when he was about 15 weeks old. She is giving him all the love and meeting him on his little baby level. She was even baby talking him. Simply adorable. I don’t think in that moment she could have even conceived giving him a spanking. Now let me just say that my mom has never hit my child. That’s not all this is about. What happens when you are not able to correct the behavior of a child who wont listen is that you don’t deal with them. It will drive you absolutely batty. The child becomes an annoyance and what do you do with an annoyance? You get rid of it. You ignore it. You certainly don’t engage with it. That’s what was happening with Mom and Zai. I remember the time she told me, “You know you gon’ have to pop him, right?” I scoffed “I’m not gonna hit my baby!” Well i was on my own from there. She was done with me and him. That was her way, all she knew and she wanted the correction to start at an ealry age so he would learn. I see her point but I have learned and she had yet to learn that you can’t spank the spectrum out of a child.

The Bible speaks of disciplining our children in the sense of guiding them in the way they should go, but can we look at that scripture? I mean really look at it in context. It’s just taken as pick up a literal rod and strike the child. Many children have suffered as their parents literally tried to beat the devil out of them. It didn’t work or they would not have had to do it repeatedly. Yeah, I said it. Is that the only way to correct someone by using physical violence? We’ve become desensitized to the behavior because if it was good enough for me then it is good enough for my children. I’ll bet if they were given the choice back then to discuss it and given the opportunity to avoid the harsh treatment they would have opted out of the spanking. That’s what it is you know, harsh treatment. I had one girl argue me down that it was not harsh treatment. Girl, bye!!!! Okay, let me get someone much bigger than you, who you have no possible way of defending yourself against, to start whaling on you because you didn’t meet up to their expectations, either in behavior, maturity or regulating your emotions? It would be a different story then but we are okay with this happening to children. We take away their autonomy and replace it with fear an uncertainty. They should be taught self governance a part of their rearing. Govern yourself accordingly so I don’t have to do it for you. At least give them the opportunity.

It was bad for both of them because when you don’t engage with my son he behaves in such a way to make you engage with him. Oh yes, he will take the attention any way he can get it. If it’s bad attention, it is still attention. He will systematically disrupt your whole life to get your participation in his situation. It was too much for mom. I mean she put up with it as much as she had to but for the most part she didn’t want any parts of Zai. It got so bad that that I had to ask my mom what was up. To me it looked like she didn’t like him. No, seriously. When I asked her about it she said “He just irks my nerves!!” I said,”Well you act like you don’t like him.” She got all backed up on that statement because it was ridiculous. My mom loves every living person and thing. Those that belong to her and those she picks up along the way. She is always taking someone in and caring for them. How could I fix my mouth to say that? But my son was irking her nerves and she just shut him out. Not good, because like I said Zai will put it on you. He turned up the heat.

When we had that conversation it was a tearful one. This is because my mother is an exceptional grandmother. All of her grandchildren love her to pieces. I am the last one to give her a grandchild and although he is adopted he is still her grandchild. He is worthy of and should receive the measure of love everyone else does. He should feel that she loves him too. I wanted him to be enamored with her instead of seeing her as an adversary. Their relationship may have been adversarial because he hadn’t spent much time with her plus she wanted to pop him all the time because of his behaviors. She was always speaking correctively and not lovingly. Neither one of them was happy to see the other one coming.

Mom broke down and explained through her tears that she did like him, that she loved him. She just didn’t know how to ‘be’ with him. She felt that I made too many concessions for him and that I gave in too much. (Why do we always have to say NO? I’m learning as a mom that it doesn’t have to always be a no. I digress.) She continued to say she was often flustered dealing with him and that it was all getting to her. We were both crying at this point. I did my best to explain all that he is dealing with. I talked about him being hard wired this way and that a spanking would be physically painful but would do little to curtail the behaviors that he himself has no control over. I admitted that I too get frustrated but as his mom she should let me be the one who is exasperated by his behaviors. She could simply choose to love him. The key for her would be to just talk to him, listen to his ramblings, laugh with him, engage him. My other nieces and nephews absolutely adore my mother. Did I already say that? Yet Isaiah had no connection with her at all.

I had a similar situation like this with my niece. I am happy to say she now sees my son in a different light and is currently our biggest advocate in the family. She too wondered why I just let him be unruly and get away with so much. I asked her to let me be the one who gets frustrated with his behaviors as well. I had to choose my battles and not come down on him for every little perceived infraction. I know the way he acts bothers people but I also know that it doesn’t bother everyone. Most people actually love meeting and talking with my son. He is happy, positive, inquisitive, polite and surprisingly so darn articulate. Like, a really awesome kid! He might be running around you in a circle or asking you ten thousand irrelevant questions but believe me every one of those questions means something to him. It is usually a delightful experience. Then there are the times I want to shout “Look people…it’s not gonna stop. The boy has special needs… a little consideration, please.” I used to thank all the strangers who let him go on and on with them because it can be taxing. I stopped doing that because he is wonderful. Engaging with him is wonderful. He is freaking magic. Magic all over the place. So for my own family to not see this was and is killing me. Strangers were giving us much more love and acceptance than we were getting at home. My heart was broken. I have since resolved to take love wherever we get it. Isaiah has his own people and they adore him.

I am happy to report that my mom has done the work. Yay Mom!!! She has invested quality time with him over the past year when she has come up to take care for me after my surgeries. She has spent time with him alone and they have their own little bond. She makes rules and he tells her that when she is not here they are not my rules. They are funny together. He tells on her to me. Their conversations are hilarious and she is so very proud of how smart he is. When she came up for a quick trip a couple of weeks ago on a surprise visit he exclaimed, “GRANDMA!! GRANDMA!!” In my heart I wanted to cry. She replied as excitedly, “Heyyyyy Zaiah!!” I can’t tell you how happy I was. This trip they really solidified their bond. He was so sad to see her leave but while she was here they made the best of their time together. He wants to see her and be with her all the time now, just like all the other grands.

You can’t beat the spectrum out of a child. Beat his a** should never be a consideration. I had to unlearn this behavior too. We grow on!