Self care is not a shower…unless you need one. It’s definitely not, for us Mama’s. I can attest to the many days that came and went where a shower was not in the plan. You know those days where you get out of bed and the issues of life smack you right in the face? The days your coffee is consumed cold, four hours later and your only meal is a handful of crackers or your child’s unfinished lunch. The tumultuous life is yours. Yeah, those days. Funny thing is, you probably could use a shower but caring for the outside won’t get at the problem. We want to look inward.
You spend much of your time trying to be the best mother, everything to everybody, sadly doubting yourself the whole time. That’s all mothers, but because you have a special needs child it is multiplied exponentially. It’s go, go, go, all the time. Your house is a mess, your child is performing death defying moves off your furniture and to make things worse they won’t eat. And the screaming, the constant nonstop screaming.
You never know what kind of day you’re going to have. No matter how hard you try, something or someone will get left out. They will receive the short end of the stick or just get neglected. This happens by default, through no fault of your own. You spend most of you time being judged by people who are supposed to love you as well as strangers. You feel unappreciated by those who are most important to you. The very ones you are killing yourself to take care of.
The self care I’m talking about restores your mental clarity and will bring you back down to earth. It will keep your grounded, even center you. That hot water would feel great beating down on your back but if you’re off kilter because your reality is muddled that shower won’t do you a bit of good.
Our lives are not like regular mommies. We are Super-Women, not by choice but because we’ve had to become who we needed to be. We’ve had no choice but to rise to the challenge or fold. We are super-human in many ways. Here are a few suggestions to get yourself all the way together and strike a balance. I promise if you implement one or two at a time you’ll be a pro in no time. I am working on this list myself. Let’s grow.
1. Walk in Peace. Seek it out in every area. If something doesn’t have peace attached to it, move on. Deep breathing helps too…Wooo-sahhhh.
2. Walk in Truth. Be honest. Let your yes be yes. Don’t overpromise or over commit. Speak truth to others and more importantly to yourself.
3. Walk in Confidence and Stop kissing A**. It’s just totally unnecessary. Don’t let others walk all over you. Know who you are and stand firm on that. You are enough… YOU. ARE. ENOUGH.
4. Stop speaking negatively about yourself to yourself and others. You can’t be the one tearing yourself down and expect to feel good about yourself. Shut down that negative self talk loop in your head a fill it with positive affirmations. Speak life and love to your soul, be gentle with you.
5. Dream. It’ll open up the possibilities. Place yourself mentally in the place you want to be. Relax and soak it up because dreams do come true. Revisit those dreams of old. You still have time to make them come true.
6. Say No, unapologetically. No, is a full sentence. I heard that years ago and it was revelatory. We always feel the need to explain ourselves. Now, children may need an explanation. Don’t feel the need to explain to adults who are draining you.
7. Say Yes. Yes to yourself and things that serve your highest good. Ask yourself, is this good for ME? What are the benefits?
8. Do nice things for yourself. Don’t wait for others to do it or require it of them. This one is harder than you think because we always come last as caregivers. Put yourself on the top of the list.
9. Walk by Faith. Trust that it will all work for your good.
10. Drama ain’t for you, Mama. Drama is negative and will literally sap the little energy you have left. Walk away, hang up the phone, just kill it at its inception.
11. Walk in Love. Liberally apply love to every situation even if you the only one doing it.
12. Trust your Mama intuition. It is a God given compass. Stop second guessing yourself and thinking that you can’t decide what’s best for you and yours.
13. Choose your battles. You don’t always have to be right. Step over the mess today. Smile, concede, and live to fight another day.
14. Walk in Forgiveness. Forgive yourself and others, but mainly yourself. Don’t hold yourself or others hostage. It takes too much mental focus and energy to hold a grudge. You are the only one who can free yourself. Let it go.
15. Walk in Grace. Give grace away freely and take a measure for yourself. Take a pass on self inflicted punishment. You’re always doing your best even when you don’t feel like you are. When you think you can be doing better your child thinks you are perfect and loves you unconditionally.
16. Give to someone in need. This is not necessarily money but it can be. What you get back cannot be measured but it’s tangible in other ways. You won’t get the same thing back you’ll get better… something you’ve been waiting or praying for. Trust me on this one.
17. Get your mind clear. Get your heart clear. For your sake, keep them clear. Expend the energy here. The mind is the place where we win or lose so a peaceful heart is a necessity.
18. Cry. I’m giving you permission. Why do we have to be strong and unbreakable all the time? Release the overwhelm. I think crying gets a bad wrap when often times it is the gateway to a clearer view. I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. I can see all the obstacles in my way… Once you have dealt with how bad you feel you can get to a solution or just get back in there and keep doing what you need to do.
19. Don’t live behind a label or title. I’m (insert name here). Period. Not, “I’m John’s wife.” or “I’m Jane’s Mom.” or “I’m a Stay at Home Mom.” or whatever. No, “I am (insert name here.)” Before you were all those labels you were just you. You had likes, dislikes, dreams, plans. I know the day to day responsibilities can swallow all of that up but take some time to rediscover the you behind the labels and titles. Who are you beyond everyone else’s expectations? When you rediscover her, nurture her dreams and feed her spirit. She is in there no matter how long she has been dormant.
20. Call someone for help. You cannot do this all by yourself. Get a Mom Friend or someone you can trust with your weak moments and who will celebrate your triumphs. They will help you bring balance back and remind you that you are an amazing mom and that you are going to make it.
Now, take a shower… but only after you have done all of the above.